Secrets
by Ishap
Summary: X/W secrets.
1. Chapter 1

"You have to pick, Xander. Me or Jesse. I'll never tell, but you have to." Her bottom lip stuck out a bit.

"This isn't fair _Willow_." He said in a plaintive whine, trying to get her to ask something else, but her eyes were hard. Well not _really_ hard, Xander didn't think Willow's eyes ever got _hard_ hard, but they seemed plenty hard enough at the moment. He gave up and looked away from her and at the ground.

"You."

--//--

"I think I'm getting it..." said Xander, his eyes closed, a look of profound concentration on his face as he sat cross-legged in front of a similarly cross-legged Willow, whose eyes were also closed. Her face, however, was serene.

"That's it...just a little more...focus..." There was a candle between them whose flame was beginning to flicker a little wildly despite the stillness of the air in Willow's room. The flickering candlelight threw uncertain light around the otherwise dark room.

"No!" Willow's eyes flared open as the candle flame was replicated five times around the room, setting her drapes, comforter and carpet ablaze.

"That's it!" said Willow standing up and extinguishing the fires with a wave-like gesture of her left hand.

"What's it?" said Xander groggily, looking up at her glassy-eyed.

"_This_ is it." She said grabbing her singed comforter and shaking it at him. "Oh and that is it too" Pointiing at the burnt patch of carpet. "Not to mention my vase that you broke yesterday. All of that is _it_." She made a sweeping all-encompassing gesture.

"Is this like one of those riddles? The one hand clapping kind of thing?"

"No!"

"Because I'm really bad at those."

"It's not a riddle!"

"So...you're not going to teach me anymore?" Asked Xander, a look of relief warred with disappointment on his face. Willow sighed, somewhat regretfully.

"No...that's not it. I can't leave you like this." She looked around at her semi-destroyed room. "It would be...dangerous. Who knows what could happen at the wrong time. I'll teach you, _but_, the fact that it was me who taught you is now classified information."

"How classified?"

" 'The fate of Cordelia's favorite stuffed animal' classified." replied Willow seriously.

"Hugglebunny classified?" he asked, surprised. Willow nodded.

"Alright. You know, I'm still ashamed of myself for that."

"Me too."

"Well you should be Willow, it was your idea." said Xander perfunctorily.

"You're the one who did it Xander, so don't point any fingers." Willow retorted, as she always did when they had this particular argument.

Xander knew, as Willow did, that this path went round and round forever, So he left it at that this time, raising his hand in a gesture of truce.

"So, what's your story going to be about the magic?" asked Willow.

"Uh...I just spontaneously started casting spells one day?"

"Sounds good to me. The tests Giles will perform on you when he sees you do something can be your punishment for breaking all of my stuff."

"What?"

"Don't worry, they'll be painless." Willow said, then turned her head and muttered "Mostly painless." Willow felt a surge of power from Xander's direction.

"Whoops."

Willow's eyes closed and her head dropped to her chest. 'Not my closet. Not my closet....." She slowly lifted her head and opened one eye... relief swept over her and she opened her other eye. She took in the scene; there was a fair amount of fire. In the middle of it, Xander looked around until he caught her eye and shrugged helplessly, and she crumpled bonelessly into gales of hysterical laughter.

"Willow! Laugh at me all you want _after_ you put the fire out."

--//--

Xander stormed into Willow's room.

"The following is strictly between us." He paused and waited for Willow to nod her sleepy 'of course'.

"Your girlfriend is a giant bitch. From the bottoms of her expensive shoes to the top of her annoying hair."

Willow frowned sleepily.

"Hair?"

"Face it Willow, her hair is annoying. I know you kind of live with her hair and so you get used to it, but that's not the case for the rest of us. It _is_ annoying and if she doesn't stop bossing people around and generally making things unpleasant, I'm going to shave it while she's sleeping and blame one of the other slayers....and you haven't heard a word of this because it's one o'clock and you're sleeping like a lazy..." he trailed off into mutters as he pulled up her blanket to make sure she wouldn't be cold.

"Who sets an air-conditioner this low anyway?" he asked himself as he left her room closing the door softly behind him.

--//--

"I don't like her."

"But I thought after the troll incident you both kind of..."

"No."

"But she said..."

"No. She's... there's not a word really and I know a lot of words. When I picture the two of you together in the future..." Willow shook her head from side to side slowly and shuddered.

"She loves me."

"That's why I'll never say anything to her or anyone else."

"You've already kind of..."

"I meant from now on. Jeez cut me some slack."

"Okay."

"You kind of ruined a moment there Xand."

"You mentioned something about slack?"

--//--

"She didn't know how much I loved her." The words were a harsh whisper in the darkness. " I kept some of it a secret. Like I was still a little afraid or something." He hugged her harder.

"She knew. I swear she did."

--

"Stop talking about it Xander. Since when has it gotten you anywhere? Buffy picks some guy. You don't like him and attempt to make her not like him. You fail. She destroys the relationship somehow and the process starts over again." He raised his eyebrows.

"_Ouch_." Willow turned to look at him with a hand on her hip.

"You know it's true, you have a pattern of..." He shook his head and interrupted.

"The 'ouch' wasn't for me, it was for Buffy... who apparently destroys all of her relationships.... oh and for you and your broken bones if Buffy heard you."

"I didn't mean that," she said quickly "...you just..." She waved a hand in exasperation "...and I lost my head."

"Tell it to the judge."

"Uh-uh no way."

"Are you suggesting I hide your less than charitable remarks from our mutual best friend?" Xander pretended shock.

"I'm suggesting that if you say anything to Buffy I might happen to mention how this one time you fell asleep and I heard you moan 'Dawn'." Xander paled, and extended his pinky. Willow linked her pinky to his, smirking.

"It's not even true is it?"

"No." she said happily. Xander shook his head and smiled ruefully

"It's not like Buffy would believe me if I denied it. Dawn has most of the watchers panting after her."

--//--

"We can't keep doing this Willow."

"I know."

"It was wrong the first time we did this back in high school, it's more wrong now."

"I know."

"You have to pick; me or Kennedy. If it's her, I won't say anything; you know that, but..."

She moved her hand and placed it over his chest and he smiled in the darkness. His happiness made him feel guilty... but not too guilty.


	2. Secrets and lies

"So, my sexual identity crisis has caused your funk? How horrible for you."

"You dragged it out of me. Just a few seconds ago, did I not ask you if you were dragging it out of me? And what did you answer?"

"You're really quite a terrible human being." she said and he hung his head.

"I know. I'm scum." Willow sighed.

"Alright, what's the problem?"

"Just to be clear; I love you." he said and she nodded. "Nothing can change that. It's just that your revelation..."

"Don't call it that." she interrupted. "It sounds like an era marker, like from now on, time will be divided into pre and post 'Willow's Revelation'."

Xander laughed.

" Like the year 4 P.G. or pre-gay?"

"Yeah, like that and stop it."

"Fine, you liking the chicks brings back a host of things all wrapped up in a big ball of confusion."

"Do I need to say 'How do you think I feel'?"

"No, this is about me though."

Willow shook her head.

"Horrible human being." she restated.

"I know. Can we move on from that though? There are two main things; number one... number one is kind of a secret. I know, we're not supposed to have secrets from each other but this is...was an exception." Xander paused and sighed.

"Jesse was gay. Or thought he was anyway."

Willow blinked rapidly, shocked, her mind scanning over events rapidly, thinking. 'Oh no.'

"He came out to you didn't he?" Xander nodded, not looking at her.

"Xander, tell me you didn't." He didn't answer.

"Xander."

"You _know_ what happened Will, I can't control it. When something shocks me like that..."

"You laugh." Willow completed the thought softly. He looked at the ground, thoroughly ashamed. She had witnessed the phenomenon, it happened rarely, but it was true; he couldn't do anything about it.

"He ran..." He trailed off, obviously remembering. Willow hugged him and he rubbed her back, grateful.

"When I got a hold of myself I ran after him; he didn't want to talk to me, obviously. I offered to throw myself off of the building of his choice, but he didn't take me up on it like you would have."

"Damn right." she muttered into his shirt.

"He waved it off and said it was a joke. We didn't talk about it again, although the fact that he was dead a few weeks later might have had something to do with it."

Willow let silence reign for a while. Then:

"He forgave you... or he would have if he had had the time."

"I don't know if that's true."

"I do." She said firmly "What was the second thing?"

"I can't right now, I'll tell you tomorrow okay? Thank you for this though... even horrible human beings occasionally need a hug."

**--//--**

"You told me she was a lesbian. She's not. How can you say it wasn't a lie?"

"It was half a lie. A lesbian is a woman who likes other women, she's a woman who likes men. See? Half a lie. If I had said she was a _man_ for instance, that would have been a whole lie. Although," A thoughtful, if mischievous, look came into her eyes. " she did have rather large hands didn't she?"

"You can't be serious. We had a decent flirtation going on, you come along and tell me I'm imagining it because she's gay. I believed you and now she's dating some guy."

"Yes, that ship has sailed. The S.S. Skanky is sailing off into the slutty sunset without you."

"You lied. You know what that makes you?"

"A horrible human being?"

"That's right."

"And now you're calling her names behind her back. What type of person would do that?"

"The horrible type?"

"That's right."

"I'm sorry Xand."

She moved to hug him and he complied, unable to deny her. She felt bad. She _did_; he was lonely, but when she had seen the two together it hadn't seemed right somehow. 'He'll find someone eventually. The right someone.' She smirked, 'Someone with smaller hands.'

**--//--**

Xander was mentally planning a route for his summer road trip when he opened the door to his room and found Willow in his bed. Thoughts of gas mileage and stopping points ground to a halt. He opened his mouth but Willow put a finger to her lips and shook her head. She got out of the bed and walked toward him. She was wearing his shirt... and this was a lot of déjà vu to be experiencing all at once. Questions such as "What about Oz?" "What is this about?" "What does this mean?" might have occurred to him if she weren't already so close...

This time he couldn't manage to think of any of the reasons why not, even though there were probably more than last time. Maybe because this was real; _this_ Willow wasn't under a spell - Xander wasn't sure he could make the same claim.


	3. Chapter 3

It was just a game. A weird one. Definitely something no one else would understand. Kennedy and Willow were 'off-again' , Xander was as free as a bird and the moment just had that energy to it. A few degrees shy of hilarity... charged. They were on the couch and Willow's hand ran up his thigh, an impish expression on her face; the challenge issued with eyebrows raised and twinkling eyes. So he leaned over and kissed her neck then leaned back again to watch a flush spread on her alabaster skin. And it was on; what to someone else would look like a grope-fest, but was actually a battle. One that Willow won a few seconds after she eased a hand down the front of his pants.

"I give up!" he said shortly, taking his hands away from a breast and thigh and raising them in surrender. She smirked; Willow tended to claim victory less than gallantly.

"It's been a while." He said defensively.

"How long?" She asked, a different look in her eye.

"A while." He said, shifting uncomfortably. Silently, meeting his eyes she started moving her hand purposefully.

"Will..." This was not part of the game. She didn't stop though.

"This game doesn't have any losers." She said, then leaned closer and whispered in his ear "Besides, a couple of times when it seemed like you lost..." She leaned back and shrugged with a smile.

**///---///---///**

"Xander..."

"Let me guess." He interrupted her. "You want to know what it's like being with a slayer so that you're prepared when the time comes with Kennedy." He paused as if to collect his thoughts while Willow rolled her eyes. "It's kind of like being stretched on a rack. I know this because I've done it with a slayer and I was stretched on that rack that one time and I noticed how similar the experiences were."

"No... I"

"Oh! Then you're wondering how best to please her then?" He asked with eyebrows raised. "Control. They like lots and lots of control."

"Are you done yet?"

"That's what she said."

"Xander!"

"No she never said that, unfortunately."

"Stop that please."

"She didn't say that either. I, on the other hand..."

**///---///---///**

It was a coffee house just off campus. Since 'on campus' stuff had been a minor disaster,( Xander felt uncomfortable there; he hadn't said anything and he'd done his best to be jovial but she could tell)she'd found this place and designated it "their place" so she could keep up with him. It was important to her. When she'd shown up he was writing in a card; for Anya she guessed. She swung it around to her side so she could read it, ignoring his protests:

_Dark and quick complete  
oh how i adore your feet  
screaming wave and ripple  
...such a stiff-peaked nipple  
as for the hair  
that you have down there_

_.  
_

_.._

_...  
_

_you could use a trim.  
I own some scissors and a razor.  
I will fill out an application,  
if you want._

Her jaw dropped and she looked at him wide-eyed. And then she laughed so hard her sides ached. After some time she could breathe again, but she was still shaking her head.

"Girls like poetry Will." He said, making a show of cracking his knuckles.


End file.
